Health, Mental health

First step to health

 

Hi to anyone that finds this. If you do, you are probably in the same situation as me and it really sucks. I’m an eighteen year old that was diagnosed with depression when I was fifteen. At the time it wasn’t that serious, at least from what I remember it wasn’t, but now… Things have definitely got worse.

I’ve planned (but never attempted) suicide, cut myself with razors and scissors, bitten myself and had days where I physically couldn’t get out of bed. I’m so sick of it.

Last week I reached a crisis point and decided something had to change; I’ve not only been hurting myself but the people that care about me as well. Now I am in the extremely fortunate position of having an amazingly supportive family and wonderful friends but I don’t want to be completely reliant on them because I can’t be left on my own. I’ve always been an independent kid and I love having space and time to myself (Let’s clarify- I do enjoy socializing but even as a baby I liked to do it on my terms. In that sense I am sort of like a cat, but I digress) So not being trusted to be on my own really hurts.

So that’s pretty much my story. I’m hoping to document my attempt at doing everything I can to get better and finally be happy again to help keep myself motivated.

Thanks for reading x

Lucy x

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Health, Mental health

Forgetful writer

First of all I really should write on here more! There is no point having a blog to document your journey to a happier life if you never write on it. I would like to say I’ve been incredibly busy and haven’t had a spare moment but that would definitely be a lie…. To be fair in the last month or so I have done a fair bit but that does include binge watching game of thrones in an attempt to catch up before the new series started. Worth it.

I did also go to Croatia which was lovely but highlighted my issues with crowds, heat and exhaustion (waking up at five in the morning and then staying up for over 36 hours is NOT fun). Busy places still stress me out although over the years I have got better. I can now enjoy spending time in cities and bars/clubs but I’m still not completely comfortable with those situations. For me socialising has always been quite hard work and doesn’t always go that well (I think everyone has been there?) and when things go badly my anxiety kicks in and my whole night is ruined. Seriously, I can pronounce a word slightly wrong and I will think about that mistake for the rest of the night. But I digress. Croatia was an amazing getaway and much needed after my exams!

I’ve always been trying to get a little fitter and lose a bit of weight so I feel happier with my body which will hopefully help my confidence and reduce my anxiety in social situations (and also stop my depressing self critical thoughts when I look in the mirror).

Hopefully I carry on with this and don’t give up!

Thanks for reading

Lucy x

Health, Mental health

Nearly there!

I only have two exams left! However, I’ve spent the last two days eating tons of junk food and generally being a massive slob… not great for self image.

In other news I went clubbing for the first time on Friday. It was great right up until it wasn’t… extreme pain, exhaustion, stress and loud noises combined and I had to leave early. Still, I did enjoy most of it! Which is good because not long ago I was vehemently opposed to clubs so making progress (gotta prep for uni!)

Hopefully once my exams are over I will be able to post more frequently.

Thanks for reading

Lucy x

 

Health, Mental health

Only a third…

I have now done 3 exams! Which is great until I remember I have six more… I will be so relieved when these are over. What’s worse is that my little brother is done with GCSEs and can now have as many lie-ins as he wants (I’m not sleep orientated at all….)

However, even with this stress I have been coping a little better than I was before so that’s something. I haven’t had a complete breakdown since before the start of exams and to be honest that’s the longest I’ve gone without one for a while.

 

Sorry for the short and infrequent posts at the moment but sadly revision is a thing :/

Thanks for  reading!

Lucy x

Health, Mental health

Oops…

I realised last night that I have’t written anything for a while. That’s probably a side effect of the stress/panic that is currently consuming me.

MY A-LEVELS START IN TWO DAYS

It’s kinda tricky to overlook that. Obviously there’s a lot riding on this- not just my uni place but my way of getting away from the people, the school and the village that have over the years made my life miserable. I’m really struggling to keep my stress under control and with that actually gather the motivation to carry on working because right now I really want to burn all of my books (as do all students, to be fair). I’m about one annoying incident from tearing my hair out….Not the best mental place to be.

Though to be fair so far it’s gone better than last year which may or may not have involved a lot of crying… whilst lying on the floor…. for three hours…

Not my finest moment. I’ll keep you updated on this year’s worst moment!

Lucy x

Health, Mental health

Keep fighting

Not had a good day. I can feel myself slowly losing the fight with my mind. But today I’m not gong to give in to it. I’m bloody stubborn and I’m gonna fight with everything I have left.

I refuse to let it become stronger than I am. My depression can go to hell and I’ll drag it there kicking and screaming if I have to.

Sorry for the short post-  I have zero energy left

Lucy x

Health, Mental health

What have you got to be depressed about?

No one has ever asked me that question out loud but I feel as though a lot of people have thought it- heck, I’ve thought it on more than on occasion. And the obvious answer is nothing. I have food, a warm bed, a caring family, a loving boyfriend and friends I can trust with my life, So what do I have to be depressed about?

I wish it were this simple. I think over the years my persistent perfectionism, body image issues (medically speaking I have never been fat but I’ve always felt fat) and pretty much a life time of emotional bullying from so-called friends broke my brain. It doesn’t help that I over think everything either.

So what have I learned recently? Ultimately someone will always have it worse but that doesn’t mean you don’t have it bad. Also, if your friends make you feel like crap, they aren’t friends- find new people because you never have to put up with being treated badly.

Thanks for reading!
Lucy x